Maybe I wasn’t looking for control after all…

I’ve been thinking a lot about control lately.

Mostly because I’ve noticed myself reaching for it more.

When my health has felt unpredictable…

when I haven’t slept well…

when my body hasn’t behaved the way I expected it to…

my mind has wanted answers.

What’s causing this?

What can I do differently?

What should I prepare for?

How do I make sure this doesn’t happen again?

If I can understand enough, plan enough, anticipate enough…maybe I can prevent the next thing from happening.

And I get why my brain does this.

I spent years as a physician being trained to look for problems, gather information, anticipate what could happen next, and act.

That ability has served me incredibly well.

But there are also moments when anticipating turns into hypervigilance.

When preparing turns into trying to control.

And lately I’ve been asking myself:

What am I actually looking for when I’m trying so hard to control what happens next?

The answer wasn’t really control.

It was safety.

Maybe what looks like control is sometimes our way of searching for safety.

I wanted to know I was going to be okay.

And that got me thinking about how often we do this in other areas of our lives too.

We try to anticipate what our children will need.

We rehearse conversations before we have them.

We worry about what someone might think.

We plan for every possible outcome.

We research one more thing.

We run through the “what ifs.”

We keep doing because doing gives us the feeling that we’re somehow staying ahead of whatever might happen next.

But the truth is…

we can’t control everything.

And that’s hard.

Especially when some part of us believes that being prepared is what keeps us safe.

So I’ve been trying something different.

When I notice myself becoming hypervigilant or trying to control every possible outcome, I’m practicing getting curious before I act on it.

What am I afraid might happen?

What am I trying to protect myself from?

What would help me feel safer right now?

Sometimes there is something useful I can do.

Sometimes my fear is giving me information I actually need.

And sometimes I realize I’ve moved beyond preparing for what is happening and into trying to prevent something that hasn’t happened at all.

That’s where I’m practicing something that has never come particularly naturally to me:

surrender.

And I don’t mean giving up.

I don’t mean ignoring something that needs my attention.

I don’t mean pretending everything will magically work itself out.

For me, surrender right now looks more like loosening my grip.

Allowing myself not to know.

Recognizing when I’ve done what I reasonably can…and stopping there.

Trusting that I don’t have to anticipate every possible future in order to meet it.

Maybe safety doesn’t come from knowing exactly what’s going to happen.

Maybe some of it comes from knowing:

Whatever happens, I trust myself to meet myself there.

That feels very different.

Because I don’t need to convince myself that nothing difficult will happen.

Life has already taught me otherwise.

I can remind myself that I don’t have to abandon myself when difficult things do happen.

And perhaps that’s part of what it means to come home to ourselves.

To stop asking ourselves to predict everything.

Fix everything.

Prevent everything.

Do everything.

And sometimes…

just be.

Practicing being… without immediately asking myself what I need to do next. 💖

So that’s the invitation I’m sitting with right now, and maybe you’d like to sit with it too:

What are you ready to loosen your grip on?

Not force yourself to let go of.

Not judge yourself for holding onto.

Just notice.

What are you holding really tightly right now?

And what might be underneath that grip?

Fear?

Uncertainty?

A need to feel safe?

Then perhaps the next question isn’t:

“How do I make myself let go?”

Maybe it’s:

“What would help me feel safe enough to loosen my grip…even just a little?”

Because the more I do this work, the more I come back to the same place:

Connection begins within.

And maybe surrender isn’t about trusting that life will always go according to plan.

Maybe it’s learning to trust that we can stay connected to ourselves when it doesn’t.

With gratitude,

Priyanka Venkataraman

Founder, Wayfinding Moms

P.S. I’d love to hear from you. What are you holding tightly right now that you might be ready to loosen your grip on—even just a little? Hit reply and tell me. I’m practicing right alongside you. 💖